Confession

I'm noticing a pattern. When life is grand, I write more. When life is dull and repetative, I feel I have nothing worth writing. The truth as I now see it is that when I feel I have nothing worth writing, I am on the verge of something supernatural, or at least insightful.

This has been the case for these past couple of weeks: boredom with routine and contempt for the familiar have crept into my heart. Recently Mona and I both have experienced a lack of love. Yes, I confess. I don't always love my students. And, this love I refer to is not merely an emotionally inflated view of an imperfect being. I haven't loved my students; and that's a terrible loss for all of us.

I've even gained a mild, sick pleasure from correcting them or controlling their outbursts in class. It makes me feel powerful and "better" than those little pre-pubesent creatures that draw on my desks and feign listening with benign gazes and confused looks. For the past two weeks or so I could tangibly feel my heart hardening. I watched as an onlooker from the security of a video room. It felt like voyeurism much more than a personal experience. I must say that I grew sick of my lack of love. I grew sick of myself....

But, then Jesus spoke. He spoke not words of contempt as I would have if I were my own student. Rather, he spoke in tones of love and compassion. He spoke words of healing and encouragement, which made me want to reciprocate them. And, later, to duplicate them for my students.

Mona and I prayed and spoke honestly about this issue for several hours yesterday. She, too, had been biten by this loveless bug. Because she's a different creature, the symptoms were varied from mine; but, biten she was. We confessed to each other and to Jesus of our weakness. Of our sin. He forgave. We praised.

This morning, we joined the daily teacher prayer meeting. In a moment of silence, I shared briefly of my personal journey. The others nodded knowingly. We prayed that Jesus would make us immune to this bug by softening our hearts by his Spirit, and that he would begin to re-confirm our school culture as a place of love and encouragement. We know that Jesus will respond because his heart and his Word are replete with similar desires. We also know that any transformation in our school must begin with the teachers. And so, now we pray. Now we love.

Please pray for our love. In our first year, many of our supporters prayed daily for our hearts regarding the love toward different groups here: students, teachers, neighbors, etc. We are requesting that again. But this time on behalf of all our teachers.

Good things are happening here. God is changing lives. He's changing us. Thank you for praying.